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wanderingflower

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the new gig [02 Dec 2006|11:35pm]
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Do not worry, it is only make-up. :) I have been doing different designs on my face for my shows.
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Swept the world. [25 Jul 2006|11:48pm]
So...I am going to be living in a van. That means I will only be able to use internet and livejournal when I get to a coffee shop or something.

I am going to write to Victor telling him how unfortunate it is that it will be harder to see each other. I probably will not really be able to get to know him very well now.

Traveling around in a van and doing gigs I might be able to find a "bad boy" pretty easily like I wanted. But it will not matter much anymore since Deshon cannot really see what is going on in my life, anyway. Maybe I will write him, too.

I think I am excited for this new turn of my life.
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Do not want you to cope with it. [22 Mar 2006|01:54am]
[ mood | Pondering ]

Victor is charming. Even if he will not exactly accomplish what I want-even if he is proper and polite and will not evoke anything from Deshon-I would still want to start something with him. Not knowing exactly what that something is.

It is almost too bad though. He seems so nice. If he were mean, it would help my purposes better on the aspect of Deshon and also on the aspect that then it would be ok for me to use him.
And yet, I can not be mad that he showed up instead of someone else who might work better.
Because I like him.
And it is stange how he seems to have been plopped in my lap the moment I came up with the idea that I needed a boyfriend.
It seems like more than a coincidence.

8 comments|post comment

It is not for show. [21 Mar 2006|04:10pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]

Sometimes I wonder about the fluidity of things and the solidarity of them.

When I walk past things, and see them out of the corner of my eye, they have a different shape. They morph and drip together, but when I look staight on, they are the solid shape that we always recognize them in. Are things really much more flexible and fluid than we think? Do they take the shape of solid things for our benefit?

It reminds me of he Matrix where everything can do what it needs to, and change, to do the "impossible." Or like Fullmetal Alchemist where something can just be morphed into something else if it has the same components.

I think I remember something about science, that everything really is fluid particles moving around and constantly changing, we just cannot tell. Like, a table is constantly moving and we just do not see it. This is true-because if we look at the table 100 years from now, it will look different. It will be decomposing or something. Parts of it will be worn away. This did not happen overnight. Which means it was happening everyday.

21 comments|post comment

escape life. [12 Mar 2006|05:30pm]
[ mood | bored ]

1. What time did you get up this morning?
1:00 pm. It is a day of rest, after all. :)

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Oh, pearls! There seems to be so much more story behind them.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
UltraViolet

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Inuyahsa

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Some sugar cookies.

6. What is your middle name?
Secret! (It is not, really..but if you do not know it aready, I guess it kind of is.)

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Is cuisine just food? Cotton candy :)

8. What foods do you dislike?
I do not really like meat.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?
Can I say Cool Ranch Doritos?

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Coheed and Cambria: Good Apollo I'm Burning Star Four

11. What kind of car do you drive?
I do not have a car.

12. Favorite sandwich?
I like Gyros. So I guess I like some meat.

13. What characteristics do you despise?
Be-littling. Logic.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
My blue dress and white apron and white tights!

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Someplace that was not a location.

16. What color is your bathroom?
White, black,and blue.

17. What is your favorite brand of clothing?
I do not really pay attention.

18. Where would you want to retire to?
I am not sure yet. I like Minnesota.

19. Where were you born?
In a hospital, I think.

20. Favorite sport to watch?
Ice skating.

21.What laundry detergent do you use?
Whatever is cheapest.

22. Are you a morning person or night owl?
Night owl.

23. What size shoe do you wear?
6.

24. Do you have any pets?
No. :*(

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone?
I do not think so.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Many things. A cat. A writer. An actress. A teacher. A caterpiller. A princess. Probably a cat most of all.

27. Favorite Candy Bar?
Milky Way.

28. What is your best childhood memory?
Being read to.

29. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
Just singing.

30. What color underwear are you wearing?
They are Tinker-Bell!

31. Nicknames:
I do not think I really have any.

32. Piercing?
Ears.

33. Eye color?
Blue.

38. Ever been to Africa?
No, I have not.

39. Ever been toilet papering?
No.

40. Love someone so much it made you cry?
Well, yes.

41. Been in a car accident?
No.

42. Croutons or bacon bits?
Croutons.

43. Favorite day of the week?
Sunday.

44. Favorite flower?
Daisy.

45. Favorite ice cream?
Cookies n Cream

46. Disney or Warner Brothers?
Disney.

47. Favorite fast food restaurant?
McDonaldes

48. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Blue.

49. Failed your drivers test?
Yes.

50. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Barnse and Nobles.

51. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Read, imagine.

52. Bedtime?
1 or something.

53. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
Um...Michael. :)

54. Last person you went to dinner with?
Rose.

55. Ford or Chevy?
I do not know.

56. What are you listening to right now?
Medical Mysteries.

57. What is your favorite color?
Blue.

58. Lake, Ocean or river?
Ocean.

59. How many tattoos do you have?
One!

60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
I hope the chicken.

7 comments|post comment

Not even beautiful lies. [01 Feb 2006|10:47pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I want to tell him:

You can not save me.
You can not save anyone by being noble. It does not work that way. Not for me.

He could say he could not hurt his wife. He could say that and I could take it as an answer.
But saying he is saving me? No, no one can save me but me. And thinking you can is either just being egotistical or taking the easiest way out of something you do not want to do.

I am sorry Deshon, but I just do not believe you being noble like that. And I wish you would have told me mean words instead of saying those words that made me feel so unwanted.

Oh, and do not tell me. This is just what you wanted, right? Me to be angry enough at you for rejecting me that I would no longer want you.

Well, you just wait and see.

10 comments|post comment

Maybe I should have one of those magic 8 balls... [07 Jan 2006|10:09pm]
[ mood | Left Out. ]

Does Deshon like me?

6 comments|post comment

Hard enough to bleed. [14 Dec 2005|08:16pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I hate feeling this is childish.

So many people are mature. I do not want to be. I do not need to be smart, or street smart. I do not want to need common sense.

Let me not know when I am being childish. Let me just be what is really here. In my heart. Teach me no lessons. Give me no warnings. Do not expect me to believe the warnings. If I do not get what I want, or will never get what I want, why should that make me stop wanting it? Why does that make someone smart, and mature?

12 comments|post comment

Life is perfect. [21 Nov 2005|10:44pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Sometimes you are so cute I can barely stand it.

Sometimes you make me feel special, and other times you make me feel very very bad, and really not special at all.

------

I've got one.

I feel like I'm a failure at everything I do.

Or maybe that's not much of a secret after all.

*shrug*

-Amarice-

That doesn't warrant a shrug. That warrants a HUG.

From me to you.

--Deshon

5 comments|post comment

If you want roses, you can buy some yourself. [11 Aug 2005|11:51am]
[ mood | confused ]

Meghan and Ellis arranged a nail party last night.
I did my own, they are French Tipped. I did a nice job, I think, for my first time. :)
I mean, they look well done...but I am not sure if I like them yet. Would I rather have fancy, pretty nails or just something like messy black?

4 comments|post comment

Don't Tell Anyone, Or You'll Be Just Another Regret. [08 Aug 2005|11:08am]
[ mood | good ]

He makes home-made *cookies*! Everytime I see him he looks so much better than I had remembered.

Tony's going to help me with the fort, I think. I sat by her at the concert and I think she is nice and nothing to be scared of. :) I do not know if Rose had made any decision yet, but I always trust mine.

2 comments|post comment

Kiss me, I'm breathing. [29 Jul 2005|07:51pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I miss him so much. I feel like too much time has passed. I have gotten shy again.

Did you know that I even practiced spilling wine on myself? Truthfully, I was planning on practicing it when I actually did spill it.

I was so ready for it. Now, I am sure I would spill the wine but how would I have the courage to do anything besides run behind something and change into dry clothing?

I want to be determined, I really do. To be confident. It would just be so easy for Deshon to reject me, and so hard for me to know what to do.

It is all so hopeless. And yet I will never be able to let it go.

I bought a Lolita outfit. I wish some of her blind confidence would seep into me.

5 comments|post comment

Furious Rose with her Opiate eyes. [09 May 2005|08:04pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Once I told Rose to stay away from a man. That he was bad. And he was, I know this.

Now, she is doing the same to me. Does she not know that any way he could possibly hurt me, the damage is already done? But that I could never count it as damage, anyway. Not coming from him.

Deshon, if I asked you why you thought I was in love with you, I bet you would answer wrong.

3 comments|post comment

All I'm trying to do is save my own skin. [01 Apr 2005|09:01pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I had a dream last night in which Deshon asked me if I loved him.

Everything was white, a little hazy. I saw him standing there, with his back to me. I was not sure he knew I was there, but he turned and asked,

"Alice, do you love me?"

4 comments|post comment

It Keeps Me Awake At Night [01 Mar 2005|06:23pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I did get my tattoo with Deshon. In my mind, I felt like it was so less vunerable and maybe seemingly alluring to Deshon to get it by myself and let him notice, someday. To make it be mine and only mine.
I just could not do it. I missed him too much. With the possibility of walking with him, I had to ask him.

I beleive Autumn wanted to see more details on my tattoo. I got her on the side of my stomach, it's Alice from this picture. Now if I ever want more Alice in Wonderland characters, they can walk along the rest of my stomache, and they can be the very ones from this picture as well.

Deshon is once again in my every thought.

Sometimes I worry about if and how alike to Jamie I am. In what I say and how I react to him, sometimes I scare that it is no more special than how she would.

With so many paths reasoning can take, what did it mean when he said it was time for me to go home? You would not know unless you were there how he sounded. My mind runs away with some fanciful thoughts for his motivation to say such a thing in that way. And yet, yet it could be the same as every other time we have parted ways. Very well could be.

3 comments|post comment

On Your Way Boy. [01 Mar 2005|05:38pm]
[ mood | predatory ]

The idea should be spendid to him. He is the first man my heart has ever chased after, his lips are the only lips mine have kissed. If he has both of those, how could he not be my first in everything? He knows I have never been tainted by any other but him.

If a man is not worthy, he may take. But if a woman is giving, the man is already worthy. In my case, if I were not giving, I would still let him take. But he shall not have to.

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So many questions. [17 Feb 2005|05:51pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

To my faithful readers...should I ask Deshon if he wants to go with me to get my tattoo or should I surprise him that I have it? Or should I keep it completely secret until he notices?

5 comments|post comment

Shock is her name. [10 Feb 2005|06:18pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I keep telling myself that maybe it is time. Time to let being in love with Deshon go.

I have even thought maybe this tattoo could mean something. Marking something new, like looking for someone other than him. Actually putting effort into finding someone else, I mean. Letting the world know I am here. And, maybe, as Amy said in a way, tattoos are sexy. Maybe I am ready to be sexy.

All this tells me to put Deshon completely behind. (Unless he were to sweep me off my feet...how could this little miss resist?) But to other than that, forget him. I was so sure of doing it last night. I wrote a song about it, but it might just be all lies.

I do not think I can bring myself to give up on Deshon, in anyway. Becuase it is what so many other people have done. And he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. How do I turn away? I think I made a vow to him long ago that I can never break.

4 comments|post comment

Should have let go by now. [04 Feb 2005|07:21pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I think I want to get a tattoo.

6 comments|post comment

[10 Nov 2004|03:07pm]
[ mood | silly ]

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Would you kiss me?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

7. Describe me in one word.

8. What was your first impression?

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When's the last time you saw me?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

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